I will be so excited. So insanely excited when I can write a post where I don’t think there is a need to let you know how hard it is to work. Don’t get me wrong, I understand how lucky I am to be working and how great my job is, and the fact I received a letter letting me know about my raise is certainly a perk. However, I am on a runaway train to burnout-ville population me.
Usually I joke around about how “lucky” I am not to have children or a significant other because I come home and just want to crash. The truth is, that makes me sad sometimes. While I don’t know how I would find the energy to deal with say a toddler, I know in some small way knowing what I do during the week helps support my family would make it easier. Having a boyfriend or husband to come home to and have him be like “Hi Honey” and pat the spot next to him on the couch would make me smile. Emme does a great job of being a love bug. She’s trained too well though and will more than happily play “Naps-R-Us” with me.
By the end of tomorrow I will have worked about 45 hours. I will be paid for 35 of those hours. I am weeks behind on my paperwork, despite working through lunch and staying after my shift ends. I can honestly say lately my socializing at work has been to a minimum. I won’t say I’m not having ANY fun, good lord I’d lose my mind if I wasn’t having a little fun. Still, even the “fun” talk is based on clinical happenings or staff concerns. Today I cried and couldn’t stop, last night I cried too. Two of my workers have expressed similar concerns about burnout and stress. Our supervisor gets it. She cares, but she can’t do much about it either. She says to try and do the best we can. I’m treading water and taking big gulps as I lose my pace and I’m more than certain I might actually drown.
We are down about 3 staff people and it isn’t an easy process to simply hire more counselors. We’ve been trying to keep up the workload and it just isn’t happening. Normally we have a huge no-show rate for appointments and lately people are actually showing up! Yay for them, but this means twice as much paperwork and half the time to write.
Due to my inability to sleep (stress) and not eating properly (stress/working through lunch) I am mentally/emotionally/physically too tired to exercise at night and it’s a huge horrible cycle.
The worst part is I don’t know how the 50K next month will go since I’m not training as I should.
The leg doesn’t hurt!!! There’s so much more to it though. I was set to do the Towpath Marathon this weekend, but they cancelled it…well rescheduled it. It was moved to Nov 3. I won’t be available that weekend and BBA is the week after anyway. I have been waiting THREE YEARS to do this race. I don’t care if it takes me a million hours (OK maybe not that long) I am starting and finishing the damn thing! No more heart issues or leg issues or dog issues or “I feel fat” issues!
Everyone’s advice seems to be “Don’t work extra” or “Don’t work for free”, but it terrifies me to think what could happen if I don’t! I care SO MUCH about my clients. I love them and want to work hard for them and to simply go home at the end of the day and leave it all behind isn’t something I have perfected.
I think that’s why I love social media. It’s a instant escape. I can touch and see an email that makes me smile and not feel alone. I can reply to a Facebook post reminding me the weekend is near and so are my fun plans. Twitter is a giant party full of interesting thoughts and Instagram allows me a visual comfort I don’t always get (since it’s been dark when I leave, and dark when I get back). It may not be the “real” world, but it’s all so real to me and it’s like Christmas or the Easter bunny…what’s real is what you believe not always what you “know”.
Tell me, is anyone else swamped at work right now? Have you ever lost about half your staff and felt like everything was falling apart at the seems? Anyone want to kidnap me and take me to Hawaii?