My New Least Favorite Book

Let’s cut right to the chase. I started a logging my food intake (yesterday). I’ve made zero progress in my fight against gaining weight and I’m again and again and again at what I think is my last attempt at making sense of it all.

I’ve tried various forms and degrees of working out. I’ve worked with a personal trainer. I’ve tried various forms and degrees of diets (change in lifestyle not temporary fixes) and I’ve worked with a nutritionist. I have even gone into counseling. For the past 12+ months I’ve been struggling, for the past 8 months I’ve been trying to fix it and for the past 6 months I’ve been gaining weight no matter what I do (or so it seems).

I try to be honest on this blog. When I started my job 2 years ago I was a healthy 135-140 pounds. I could wear a size 8-10 and I was convinced I was fat. My job now isn’t anymore sedentary than those I’ve held in the past and my diet (I think) isn’t too much worse. If anything it should be better because I have the money to cook at home. My stress WAS worse with starting a new job and all the medical crap of 2012, which is also why my exercise was lower. Whatever the reason, currently I am 170 pounds and had to buy pants at the thrift store this week, in a size 16 because I just can’t make what I own fit anymore. I’m 10 pounds away from being a statistic and gaining all the weight I lost back (for a second time).

EVERYONE I’ve worked with to “solve” this issue has asked if I’ve had my thyroid checked. TONS of others have asked this too. My doctor never really thought it was needed. She would always say my symptoms could be worked out via another solution. Counseling, exercise, diet, my “maybe” PCOS issues. I’m tired of it though and I called this week and insisted I have my levels checked.

YES. I am hoping for another diagnosis. I am hoping for another “problem” and it isn’t like I want attention or sympathy. I want answers. I feel ashamed of myself because I want to be a part of the health & wellness community and yet I’m so far from the visual picture of it despite my “best”efforts.

Let’s talk about that “best” efforts thing.

I know based on height charts or whatever I should weigh about 100 or so pounds. I know from personal experience the lowest I should be is about 130-135. So I’m about 40-60 pounds overweight. I’m not stupid or in denial either. I know I don’t work out as much as I once did. I know I eat a little more candy than I should or too many fries and pasta here and there. I am willing to admit I should be about 15 or even 20 pounds overweight. Sitting at 150 without effort, it takes exercise and diet for me to be at 140. I can’t explain the other part of the weight or why it keeps going up. And if one more person says “age” I will flip out. I’m not even 30 yet I HIGHLY doubt “age” has kicked in and if it did I doubt it kicks in with such force in a 6 month time frame.

Here’s the thing….I’m not doing much about the part I can explain. I still go out to eat, I still eat 2 servings of pasta every now and again. There are nights I don’t go to the gym. Mostly because I’m still battling wicked wicked fatigue and migraines. Sooooooo I started a food journal.

I hate tracking calories. As someone with former disordered eating habits and thoughts tracking calories isn’t a good idea for me. I see the numbers on the page and I flip out. I stop eating all together and I start waking up at all hours of the night just to do “a few more minutes of exercise”. It isn’t good. I can however safely list WHAT I am eating. Maybe not even portion sizes for now. I know what is healthy and what isn’t.

I had an insight yesterday at work. My sense of time has changed. I can’t recall what I did the day before. I feel like weekends were weeks ago. Maybe my “once in a while” treats and “every so often” splurges aren’t as spread apart as I think? Maybe I’m not in denial, but my brain honestly believes I am doing better than I really am?

That is why I am tracking. Maybe this alone will help. Maybe I’ll start modifying more easily. I still don’t think this is why I’ve gained a ton of weight recently. I do think though I can attack the 15-20 pounds I do know about, even if it leaves the rest of it unanswered…

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