This post is being written on a Wednesday afternoon, within 30 minutes. Between the time I arrived home from work, and will leave for the CAVS basketball game tonight. This post will sound very similar to the last “heart to heart” post I created. Mostly because I am still struggling with the same issues. It’s real life though and I think I owe it to myself and all of you to be honest. Who knows, maybe someone somewhere out there will read it and not feel alone or different, and then it will all be worth it.
This morning I attempted to run with my dog for the 5 by the 5th virtual run series. Month 3 was a total bust. In January I did the Commitment Day 5K and finished just over 30 minutes. In February I did a 5K on the treadmill and had to walk most of it. I also had not run since the last 5K. This month? I think it’s pretty much the same thing. I have not run since the start of Feb, and I didn’t even make it 3 miles. Part of me thinks I’m getting sick, part of me just didn’t want to run.
When I look forward to my race calendar I look forward to the “fun” runs where I’m not really running and I look forward to the ultras where I will mostly be hiking. Honestly, I dread the idea of running and running with a group. I am so far gone from where and who I used to be, and the fight to come back isn’t fun. I know it isn’t supposed to be fun, it’s supposed to be worth it, but I don’t see it now.
I have fun at ZUMBA, and at spinning, and at all the other group classes. I don’t have fun running. I either have to do it on my own, or all my friends are so far advanced compared to me, it isn’t fun to run with them. Running makes me sad, and then I complain and no one wants to hear complaints. Again, I apologize for the tone this blog has taken recently.
Maybe I’m not a runner anymore? Maybe I’m too far gone, too far broken and it’s not worth repairing. Maybe I can do yoga? Or cycling? Or competitive eating?
Or maybe I should remember how amazing it felt for just a few minutes while I was out there this morning and everything was actually going right before it fell apart. Maybe there is still something to hold on to…maybe.