No one said it would be easy…

…but no one said it’d be this hardOh some famous words from the lovely Sheryl Crow.

It is now the end of week 1 of my “new life” and as much as everything that is happening is good…I am deflated. There are a lot of things up in the air, and not knowing is driving me crazy! One little thing sparks a million different thoughts and reactions and possibilities. I AM TIRED. Not from physical stress, not even from negative stress, but my brain needs a nap. Friends keep asking if there is anything they can do to help or if I want to talk about it. No I don’t. No offense but the stuff I’m dealing with you have NO CLUE unless you’re in the field. And if you’re in the field, you get it and don’t need my crap on top of it. What I wish my friends could do is hug me. lol. I don’t want to go out, I don’t want to play games, I want to just do nothing while I adjust. I want to live under a blanket and stare are a TV and just not use my brain or my heart for a little while. If I had a boyfriend, I would want to just lay in bed and be held and not deal with anything other than feeling cared for.

But it’s just the end of the first week. Luckily it’s a 3 day weeked as my agency has Monday off! And soon things will normalize and I will return to my bright and perky self. After all, while the daemons my clients are facing may be real and may be hard, I am helping them to find a way to win their battle and that is a beautiful thing! I told you, not stress and not bad, just different from what I was used to. Mathematically I am away from home fewer hours, but it’s what I am doing with those hours that matter.

Fitness wise? Holy for the first time in my life I am not a sack of crap in January.

I started sorta working out right before the NYE 5K. By some miracle I have kept with it. When I got on the elliptical a few weeks ago, 10-15 minutes into it I was winded and annoyed, my thighs touched and I could feel my belly pouch. Not gonna lie, you guys have seen me! Today…I spent almost and hour and half on the ellip with no issues, thighs barely touching and didn’t feel like a bowl full of jelly around my waist! No clue if I’ve lost weight, remember NO SCALES…but I feel great and I look way better too.

Aside from running I went to the gym almost every night after work. I did this fabulous water work out…WOW that really beat me up! Then a different night I did a spinning class. I’ve spun in the past and don’t set my bike up “right” I hate using the bar, so when we do some stuff it’s hard for me. Well that and I was a dummy and missed a dose of my asthma meds. But I pushed push pushed and I did it! Today I brought up Mill Creek half marathon to a friend. We’ve done it 3 or 4 years now and I always kinda sorta didn’t like it (hated it) but I feel if I keep up this good work I could kill that course….OK maybe a little too cocky…but I’d at least have fun.

Tomorrow is Run for Regis. Given the excessive snow and cold they are allowing changes in the distances (from what I’m told) so of the 5 and 8 mile loops you make up your own formula. If you only do the 5 mile you can still have your finishers shirt. A local runner who is REALLY amazingly good went out today and spent over 2 hours on the 8 miler. They do not want people getting hurt tomorrow. Oh and more snow is on the way tonight. All my hard work may not get a chance to be used quite yet. Eh. That’s life. Here is a pic of the shirt we get. I’m told the site doesn’t do it justice and it’s quite neon.

shirt shirt2

So the “bad stuff”…because I need to put it out there and then maybe people won’t ask ) ; 1. My unemployment has been delayed and may be denied. That is a lot of money I need. Of course along with that comes all the issues of medical and dental care. I shall spare the details…but let’s just say it could be a pretty penny if things don’t work out. 2. I may not graduate (in May). There is a chance I won’t get my hours in. If that happens I have to re-enroll for summer and will finish in Aug. No biggie right? 3 month delay? Well it isn’t that I’m gonna die if I don’t practice ASAP. IT IS that I planned to only be out of work 5-6 months. I don’t have the savings (especially w/o unemployment) to live on until Aug AND pay for another semester of school. The greatest lifestyle change I am facing? Not having money. People send me info and stuff or invite me out and I have to REALLY REALLY think about it…until I get some answers I’m just not convinced I can charge it all and watch myself go into debt.

The money thing is the hardest part of this all, the part I’m most ashamed of and the part I am so lost on. Since I was 14 and started working I have ALWAYS had money just sitting around waiting to be spent and being saved. Even now I understand it’s those past skills that lead me to even being able to survive without working (and without unemployment) for 6ish months (perhaps more) and I shouldn’t be upset. But it’s so hard when for over a decade you’ve been a shopping, and eat-out-er, a social butterfly…and in a blink of an eye it’s all been frozen. I’m serious, if not a bit dramatic, that I’d be more comfortable showing my face if I gained 50 pounds than I do with all this financial stuff eating away at me. On some level I think that comparison is because with weight, I know how to lose it and would….with money…I don’t know if I will ever make enough to be “comfortable” ever again.

Let’s just hope I get some answers soon.

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