Don’t ever look back

Yesterday was my last day at my current (recent?) job. I started there in Aug 2007 and so much has happened over the years. It’s weird to think a year ago I would have chewed off my own arm to get out of there and now when the final day came, I spent it not being able to say goodbye and crying. Now, I won’t pretend it was sad for everyone or that I left under some illusion that everyone will miss me and not know how to move forward. Still, there were some who meant something to me and I did to them. My supervisor surprised me with some beautiful flowers…verdict still out on if I’m allergic. They are also MUCH more purple than appear in this picture. She also brought me this AMAZING raspberry cake thing…it was beyond yummy.

flowers (1)

Driving home for the last time, it was starting to get to me how greatly my life is about to change and how ready was I? I silently wondered to myself…what do I do next? I turned on the radio and Katy Perry loudly suggested to me “…and don’t ever look back, don’t ever look back”. Cheesy to think it’s a sign, but it was a perfect sign.

During my time there I changed in many ways. The way I always hated them for most, was how unprofessional I’ve become. When I walked in there, I knew how to dress, how to speak, how to “know it all”, I mean after all, I was almost done with a master’s degree and I had been accepted into a PHD program…and I was ONLY 23 years old. How awesome was I?

Well, I quickly learned, not everyone thought I was so awesome. My nice clothes and polished presentation set me apart from my coworkers and created a very lonely existence. After all, I was ALREADY 23, why wasn’t I married? Why didn’t I have kids? And why on Earth would a woman need a degree? Was I gay? Was I mentally unstable? Previously fat and ugly? All questions I was either asked directly, or overheard people saying when they thought I wasn’t around. Over the years I became one with the masses. I made jokes I shouldn’t, used slang, called my boss “Dude” and wore jeans or sweats to work whenever I felt like it. I have friends who comment on my current look or behavior and wonder what went wrong…yesterday I realized though, it is what went right.

My friends who look at me and say I don’t take care of myself that I am a mess and people will respond accordingly…you’re right. My question to you though…have you ever stopped to ask yourself what response I WANT or NEED? If I walked into a counseling session 3 years ago wearing and acting what I thought was “professional” or what the latest news story says is “professional” it would have been the worst session in the world. OK maybe not that bad, but close. I know this to be partially true, since nearly every single one of my clients last semester made a comment about how “real” I was and how comfortable that made them. The returning clients even went as far as to compare me to the other students, saying it was obvious they were trying too hard hard. They liked how it seemed I knew what the “real world” was like and I didn’t try to make myself “better” then they seemed.

So sadly, gone are the days I envisioned myself running a Fortune 500 company or impressing a court room (yes I used to dream of being a lawyer or business owner). I only ever pictured those things and saw people admiring me…saw the money I could make…saw the shopping I could do. I never saw myself with many friends. Presently, I can see myself happy at my job. Happy with my small little apartment. Happy with my afternoon running clubs where people don’t rank you for any reason.

I firmly believe everything happens for a reason and every person serves a purpose in our lives. I thought Comunale ruined me…but now I see, they may be the reason I become the counselor I want to be.

On a final note…new chapter of life means new look too. Here I was on 12-30 at 8 am and 8 pm. Aside from not pulling my bangs back…which I really should never do…although I got about a dozen compliments…my hair is 6-8 inches shorter. Wish I could have donated it );

before_after

The Year Nothing Fit

I suppose I’m obligated to do a “what I did for Xmas” post. So, let’s do it!

Sadly, this was the first year I did not make crazy creative cookies…I just never felt a spark for what to do! Sister came over on Xmas Eve and we watched movies before going to bed. She shared about what her boyfriend got her as gifts…which made me jealous because I want a super cool (JEWISH) boyfriend to buy me a ton of stuff! Kidding….kinda.

In the morning kids, Mom and pets all opened gifts.

Based on my list here is how things went:

1. Fleece vests. Mom gave me (2) both of which were too large so they’re on their way back currently.

2. Necklaces. I received (3) very LOVELY necklaces. A red/pink. A Brown/Cream and a Blue/Green/Purple. The last is my fave, because I almost bought it for myself.

3. Speedway gift card (gas). Did not get one…don’t really care.

4. ASICS Gel-Trail Sensor® 4. Did not get these, that’s OK too. I just asked to have a list.

5. Lego play set…something fun like a castle! Did not get Lego’s, Mom felt a 26YO does not need Legos (and they’re pricey). Not gonna lie, I was SUPER bummed about not getting Legos.

6. Electric toothbrush. Probably my fave gift!! I’ve been brushing my teeth like it’s my job. I LOVE the way they feel!

7. Bath Sheet. Mom gave me (2) Emme would like to adopt them.

emme_sheet

8. Space heater. Nope. Mom decided my one will be enough when I leave hahaha.

9. Stuffed animals with DSM-IV issues. Check! Got my Dolly as previously shown

10. Stuffed animals of diseases. None…kinda bummer about this too…will probably buy one on my own.

11. Long Johns. Sister got me a pair…they’re too big.

12. Netflix subscription. Nope but eh who cares?

13. Spa certificate. Sister got me one of these too! Woot!

14. Counseling books. Both for fun read and treatment planners. Oh look the one is on KINDLE maybe if I had a kindle I could carry it with me to internship and look up what to do! ( ; I left the whole description, because Mom read this and took it to mean I needed a Kindle. I have been playing with this all weekend and I LOVE it. Very awesome and unexpected gift.

14 (15). Quality time. I miss my friends. Someone should have told me I can’t count! SO far I haven’t seen any friends and no one has been calling me back all too often. Oh well. I get to see Andrew next Sunday!

Along with the list items I was also given.

-silverware for my new place
-new PJs with footies and a butt flap
-2010 Xmas Barbie (I collect them)
-New purple peacoat (too small, being exchanged)
-Xmas quilt from grandma!

If I forgot anything it isn’t because I didn’t like it. I enjoyed all my gifts. Most of all I enjoyed how everyone got along this holiday and I didn’t find myself begging for the work week to start again!

What a difference a year makes

I’ve been wanting to a do a year in review post, or a NYE resolutions post, but I have not been able to find it within myself not to just copy or be lame in some other fashion.

Don’t get me wrong…I had a GREAT year. A year full up ups and downs, accomplishments and defeats, ordinary and spectacular. If you’ve been reading like good little boys and girls you all know this already. In 2010 I went from a moody, depressed, not-really-a-runner chick in school with a job and few close friends, to this woman who acknowledges and owns her reactions, takes joy in experiences for better or for worse, loves with all my heart even when I know it won’t end well, ULTRA RUNNER (hiker) who is leaving her crappy job and starting her DREAM internship for her DREAM career. Did we ever think a year would pass?

First: Allow me to show you in pictures how I changed. Below is a shot from Dec 2009, I was dressed up for a date…my first date in almost 2 years (remember the guy who lied about being a doctor?) Next, a shot from Jan 2010. Only a few weeks later and I look SO different! I was starting to take pride in my inside and my outside. The final shot is Dec 2010 a week or two ago. WHERE did all that hair come from? Here’s a not secret…it’s going away on Thursday. Yes, I’ll post a picture. Based on the two Dec shots, I think I can finally say I’m starting to mature in my face…something I’ve been waiting a long time to think!

dec_2009 jan_2010 dec_2010

Second: I received WONDERFUL news today! I went to the ortho and my teeth have moved FASTER than they were expected! In fact I go next week for a consult. My back bite is “good” and if my dentist likes it the way it is, I get to cut out part of my treatment! That’s right…in a very short time I will get to “freeze” my tops (they’re done!!) which could mean no more braces on the tops!! And we set up what to do about pulling the bottoms and getting my implants…and when that heals I get the crowns and I am DONE! (If the dentist likes the back bite) I am so excited and happy I could pee my pants. Could it be? Will I be taking graduation pictures without top braces? Oh happy happy days!

Here is a picture I took right before getting the braces (eeew look at the bottoms!) And a picture I took tonight…you can’t tell TOO much because of the metal, but you can certainly see a difference the (almost) year has made.

teeth braces

It’s been a crazy journey on many accounts, thanks for being there with me through it all. I can’t wait to see what 2011 has in store!