Who remembers that terrible ad for Virginia Slims? For whatever reason it popped into my head this evening. I’m in a reflective mood tonight. Maybe it’s because I’m on my 3rd frappe of the week? Don’t judge me.
So how have I come a long way? I dunno, but it seems when I get down on myself as I have this week, the universe has this way of placing hints in my path to snap me out of it. For example, once when I went on an errands run I found myself parked next to a small 1995 blue civic. Just like my first car. When I got out of my nice big beautiful SUV I looked at the two of them sitting neat to each other. And it’s amazing to me I have a car I’m happy with and proud of.
So what’s going on this week? Oh I’m frustrated…with work, and school, and love and life. When am I not?
Mainly work and school this week. I dunno. Tonight I went to McDonald’s for dinner. I hate McDonald’s food. Mostly. But I am obsessed with the Monopoly game. Really, it’s not good. So I buy everything super sized to get more pieces and end up throwing away half my dinner. At least I don’t eat it. (shrug). I’ve never won anything except free food I don’t redeem so who knows what the point is? And whatever I ate messed up part of my braces, so now I have to go over Monday and see if they’ll fix me up. Sheesh!
The McDs I worked at has recently remodeled…ok they did it over the summer. I stood in that lobby and stared at the changes. It’s lovely in there now. It was not lovely when I worked there. And the kids at the registers call me “ma’am” and the managers are the same. That’s right….they are the same. And it makes me stop when I tell the girl “I worked here about 10 years ago”….and the truth is I started there September 1998. What have I done since then? I spent several years of my life there…some of the HAPPIEST times…mostly when we would drop whole boxes of fry boxes on the floor, and still never win at Monopoly! I’ve gone to undergrad, gone to grad once, gone to grad twice. I’ve have countless boyfriends, I’ve considered moving, I have moved, I learned to drive a bus, I learned to answer a multi-line phone, I got a cell phone, I’ve left the country a few more times, I’ve learned all about mental health, I took myself to the movies by myself. Little things and big things, and I can’t imagine, living the past decade+ still smelling like fries every night.
Earlier today I had another little “encounter”. One of my ex’s called. Why did I answer? I dunno. I was bored at work and needed to kill a few minutes? I told him about how I’m stressed for Halloween. Why? Because I have negative self-esteem. It’s so low it’s negative. And all I want is to be a “cute” or “sexy” something! That’s all I want. But I tell myself I don’t think I’m cute or sexy and I tell myself the guy I’m seeing doesn’t see me that way either. And he’s so wonderful he’s going to the party with me and I don’t want to embarrass him! While I’m expecting EX to think I’m fishing for compliments or tell me something majorly overly sexual and make me gag…he says almost the perfect thing. He says “Babe, you are sexy; I always thought you were sexy. Sexy isn’t only about your fitness state it’s your manner and state of mind”.
#1 I LOVE pet names…Mr B doesn’t give me pet names lol he probably thinks that’s too cutesy. But I LOVE being called Babe and Hun and Sweetie and songs where the rap guy says “baby girl” I am a sucker for those things. Apparently as educated as I am I have a weak spot for trash. #2 he managed to let me know WHAT was sexy about me, without it sounding cliché or like a line. #3 he also managed to say it without making it sound like “well your body DOES suck but I like you anyway”. And I KNEW he was right…because I had a ton of confidence and spunk when he met me. Grad school has killed that in me. Le Sigh. And work…where I’m always being reminded at both places how I’m not good enough…how I need to try harder and how I am “almost” there. I miss the days of not going to class, being important at my job and basically just living each day where I was doing it “right”. Problem was…I knew I wanted more. And in a few short months I’m gonna have it!
I read something in another blog today that struck me, and I’m probably butchering it:
Regrets are mistakes we didn’t learn from.
It’s OK to have a past…it’s OK to think about the past…it’s OK to say the past did not go as you would have wanted it to…but are you repeating the past? Are you stuck in a circle and refuse to put one foot out to redirect?
I’m opting to redirect. It might take a minute or two, but it’s the right choice.
Oh and funny comment of the day?
Boss asks me alone in her office why I was measuring my hair with a ruler
Me: I wanted to see if it was long enough to donate
Boss: Not work related
Me: I know, but important
Boss: As long as you aren’t looking up costumes…that’s all you’ve done this week!
Me: Hey! I was clocked out, I can do what I want on my breaks
Boss: Every break every day all day long???
Me: I don’t smoke and my boyfriend is out of town, what should I be doing?
Boss: (laughs) OK good point
Me: (leaving) Besides, it’s a very important decision!