Over the last few weeks I’ve noticed some positive changes in my mental health. I’ve also read about 5-6 books so if you read my previous post you know I think the two are connected. When I am focused on the fictionalized stories of others, I don’t have time to dramatize my own. Hmm I think that should be on a poster somewhere, right? Anyway. I’ve been much more happy, both inside and on the outside. I’ve felt more comfortable in my own skin and have stepped outside my comfort zone as well. Plus, I think my actual work is improving as I can multitask better (it seems).
My diet has gone to shit again (sorry), but at the same time I’m trying to be careful in my terrible decision making. Last weekend I went to the grocery store and stocked up for the week on deli turkey and veggie based meals to at least help my budget. However I also found myself hitting the drive-thru between work and home for a sandwich here or there….but no fries! So yay, right? Baby steps? We have plans to buy chicken and rice and turkey to make turkey burgers this week so I will have yummy things to look forward to at home as well. What’s more helpful though is to take it with me. My shift is too long for just the one meal it seems and I can’t stand driving home and having to cook before I can eat again.
Side note…because it isn’t just coming home and microwaving something. It’s taking the dog out, checking on the guineas, checking the mail, cleaning up the house. I get into this other mode when I hit the door and my poor food gets cold or goes un-prepared for at times a whole other HOUR. This is why I hit drive-thrus. Ugg.
I’ve started walking again in the morning. My acid re-flux medicine is back in my system so the coughing has subsided and I can move without fear of death or puking. I managed to get 10,000 steps Monday and like 9,000 Tuesday. Tuesday night I even walked my living room while reading on my tablet so there’s commitment and double tasking proof my friends! I hate reading on the tablet but since this nonsense happened I have little choice. Wed I worked my first 11-9 shift and basically didn’t walk more than what was required in basic daily movement. Thursday it rained all day so that killed it for me too.
Friday was AMAZING. I had the best day on Friday listen to all this business, but fun!!
We woke up and drove out to Dave’s “hometown” which is about a 30-45 minute drive because he needed blood work (routine). Not the best part of the day, but I made him play a made up game of “car karaoke” and we took turns singing whatever was on the radio. Listening to your boyfriend try to sign “Dangerous Woman” and hit the high notes is a great way to start the day. After the doctor’s we went to the library so I could turn in my tacking sheet and get my milestone gifts from one of the six libraries I am a member of and doing a summer reading challenge with this year.
Next we hit a second library where we go literally every Friday this year so he could return books and pick up books, one I requested as also in so now I will be reading The Book Thief which I hear FANTASTIC things about all the time. The Miss Peregrine series is also on request for me and I’m looking forward to it in the coming weeks. Much to Dave’s delight we finally went to lunch after this…he was on a fast for the blood work so he was desperately hungry. After some delicious southwest food at MOE’S we headed to the movies to see Central Intelligence and we laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed some more. Very good movie. Post movie we went home and he caught a nap and cleaned the guinea pigs’ cage while I read some of my book and took a shower. Then it was off to Cleveland to see The Phantom of the Opera!
Despite my usual way of arriving to things, we were considerably early to the event and opted to go to this German restaurant next door to “check it out”. OH MY GOODNESS. This was was insane. They seat you at these lonnnnnnnng wooden table and benches where people actual stand up on the benches to dance or are dancing in the little aisles. The waiters and waitress are all dressed in lederhosen (so much boobs) and there’s a live band. Dave was all smiles from the moment we sat down and I was all about to have a heart attack and climb out the window. I hated it. he had his beer and we shared some appetizers and it was off to the play.
As we were leaving we talked about walking back over. Why not? We never get out of the deck for a good 20-30 minutes anyway and most importantly….we are young, we don’t have kids, we have the money and we honestly almost NEVER go out at night. 90 percent of me did want to go home and I know he would have been fine with that too, but for whatever reason I decided we would go back. Why not? We could always leave at any time. This second time around I felt much more relaxed, the live band didn’t play until about 15 minutes after we arrived and maybe it was because I knew what to expect. We shared some more food and each had a drink…I had about 1/2 a drink to be honest and I LOVED the polka music. They played the two songs I knew and then made a bunch of other songs into a polka style! I even stood up on the bench and danced to “Hang on Sloopy”.
At first I didn’t want to and told Dave that much. I was embarrassed. I am considerably overweight and even though I opted to wear a dress that night it was clear I was heavy by the way it sat and clung to me. Then I realized, even though I am overweight, it doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to enjoy life. I’m trying (at times) and more importantly than that is the fact I honestly don’t hate myself for being fat anymore. I still see it that way and I still wish I could lose weight, but I don’t look in the mirror and want to cry. I don’t have a panic needing to leave the house wondering what to wear. Maybe because I’ve lost some weight and went down a size I feel hopeful again? Or not as ashamed because I AM doing something about it? Who knows….maybe it’s not being caught up in my head as much Whatever it is, I looked at my boyfriend and knew he wanted to be a part of everything and I knew even though it scared me it wouldn’t kill me to be a part of it all too. I knew the song, I liked the song and in the end, all the people I feared looking at me and laughing aren’t my boyfriend. They’re nobodies to me. So I stood up and danced with the man who loves me and I love him. One of the few people who’s opinion about me I should care about and who doesn’t care what I look like as long as we’re together. We sang and danced the night away and I was all smiles until we came home and crashed into bed.
I’m never going to be 150 pounds again drinking beer and eating pierogies, but my weight isn’t only poor food choices based. It’s also tied to my anxiety and depression and depending on the day I’m working on one of those factors or something else. Dancing and signing helps with the second of the above concerns and as I’m happier I am more willing to go out and do things that will benefit me. I’m more likely to exercise or skip the sweets. I haven’t reached self-love yet, but getting to a point of acceptance has been a huge help.