Last night at play rehearsal I had a very interesting conversation. Firstly, because despite spending the last month with everyone, I still feel very much like an outcast and as if they don’t want me there….so to chat with a few “friends” made me very happy. Secondly, because I didn’t know one of my fellow cast members had weight concerns, when she is so tiny and beautiful. Lastly, because there was a male in the room with the same concerns. I expected the boys to be rolling their eyes the whole time, but instead they were quite supportive.
Apparently, weight gain and loss is a lifetime “struggle” and I hate hearing that from so many people. When will I get to a point where I stop worrying AND I’m happy with the way I look? After losing nearly 20 pounds last year, I managed to keep about 15 off all through December. Even with cookies and cakes and chocolates I stayed rather even. Somewhere along the line I lost my spark though. See, when I joined Weight Watchers I had this idea I would FINALLY lose ALL the weight I hate. I know I write post after post about being happy where I was, and don’t get me wrong I was VERY happy. I was happy and confident enough to date and now I have the man of my dreams. Yet, in the back of my head I told myself if I were doing things “right” the rest of the weight would fall off. It didn’t.
I stopped tracking because I was heart broken it wasn’t working. I stopped exercising because it stopped being fun. I stopped meal planning because it didn’t seem to matter.
Then I started going to play practice. I work from about 8-4, then I’d leave for rehearsal by 6. I’d have about 1 hour at home (yes that SEEMS like enough time to work out, but it isn’t) it isn’t when you’re single and dishes need washed or clothes need washed, the dog needs walked or you need to work on your lines. Lunch time walking turned into line practice or catching up on bills. To save on time and dishes, all meals became “take out”. The more stressed I felt the more I ate. The more I ate the more I wanted.
Enter “the pain”. I’ve had a pain in my lower right abdomen since the fall. It has slowly gotten worse in time and I am having an ultrasound tomorrow. I bring this up now because when I went to my doctor last week she INSISTED I must be pregnant. Pain in the belly? Tired? Moody? Oh and you gained at least 15 pounds in a MONTH? Yep knocked up! Only when the test came back negative she almost seemed confused.
I wear legging to work or dresses, not to be cute, but because my pants have all stopped fitting. It really sucks. It really and honestly sucks, but I am SO EXHAUSTED I can’t imagine starting a new plan. I’m home a few hours a night to sleep this week. I have arranged for my dog to be at different people’s houses all week since simply will not be home.
Once again I find myself a before and the above narrative is what we talked about at play practice last night. The ins and outs of dieting for the ages. When it started, when it will stop. Each year a new plan. Each year a new success or failure. What will it be for 2015?
Right now, I’d just love to get back to working out and having fruits and veggies. I’d like to stop eating ALL the food and then some more. I think what I want is to lose those 15-20 pounds I worked with last year and then call it a day for REAL. No worrying about what others think. No worrying about what arbitrary charts state. I’m well over 170 pounds again and that isn’t OK. I might be 5 feet tall and I’m SUPPOSED to weight 100 to 110 pounds, but that isn’t happening. I want to get back to the 150’s and then I want to stop telling myself “try a little harder”. I want to spend my time enjoying life, instead of figuring out how to get a boost of weight loss from it all. Yes, being active is SO SO SO important, but it should be about fun and health. For me it became too competitive, it became about the steps or the extra WW points. It wasn’t about time spent thinking or time spent with loved ones.
Once again I am a “before”, but this year’s after isn’t all about the weight loss.