34 Weeks of Weight Watchers

I attended my 34th week of meetings as a WW member tonight. They were having a “blow out” sale on the ActiveLink so I treated myself to a device. For only $5 why not try it? It’s $5 a month, but what is that really? Skipping a candy bar or two, or a trip through a drive-thru? I have my FitBit and I LOVE it, but it’s been a little wonky with my WW stuff. I know ActiveLink can be worn in water too and I keep toying with the idea of swimming. Hopefully this will make calculating points more accurate and I won’t over indulge as much.

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This week I gained 2.2 pounds. Part of this I’m sure had to do with the corduroy pants and heavy sweater I wore. One glance around my car and I could see the rest of the puzzle. Fast food bags and candy wrappers everywhere. Those don’t even include the things I already threw away this week. Yes, part of me is ashamed. How do I go from being the girl who skipped M&Ms in favor of an apple on Saturday to the girl who went to Swenson’s for a cheeseburger and milkshake “just because”? Clearly this is why I’m at WW, but sometimes I could just kick myself in the butt for being “careless”. I took a week off due to the stress of the office move, but did I really have to get so far off track? Le Sigh.

Looking at my booklet tonight I saw the 160 looking back at me. I’ve been looking at this number since my last booklet (four months ago)! Ugg. There’s a part of my brain that wanted to cry and yell at myself that I SHOULD have lost AT LEAST 10 pounds in the last 4 months, if not the full 20 I aimed for…instead nada. “What’s WRONG with me”? I yelled in the back of my head. “Why can’t I do this RIGHT”? Then I took a deep breath and remembered….this is my third booklet. Since starting Weight Watchers I’ve kept off nearly 15 pounds. In my lifetime I’ve kept off over 20. In the last few years I have gained and gained and gained. The most I ever took off was 5 pounds here or there for a few weeks. So I decided to re-frame my negative self-talk. I am NOT a failure. I am a SUCCESS. I am a success in keeping off 15 pounds in 2014. I am a success in NEVER missing a weekly WW meeting. I am a success in KNOWING what choices to make even if I don’t always make them. I am a success in the friendships I have made.

A woman tonight shared the struggle of looking at old pictures and wishing she was “that fat” again because she’s only gained more weight since.

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Many people comforted her and related. I shared my own insight into how I saw a pic from my first “mud run” and I looked “sexy” although at the time I thought I was fat. I’m 10-15 pounds heavier now, but I’ll tell you something….I kicked butt at SPARTAN way more than I did at Go Dirty Girl.

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Unfortunately the outside isn’t always an accurate depiction of capabilities. I struggle with this daily. Then again, part of this is because I know I’m not being the best version of myself diet-wise. ¬†Until I am, there’s a piece of hope that believes the outside will better match what I picture from the inside.