Will Acceptance Lead to Love?

Over the last few weeks I’ve noticed some positive changes in my mental health. I’ve also read about 5-6 books so if you read my previous post you know I think the two are connected. When I am focused on the fictionalized stories of others, I don’t have time to dramatize my own. Hmm I think that should be on a poster somewhere, right? Anyway. I’ve been much more happy, both inside and on the outside. I’ve felt more comfortable in my own skin and have stepped outside my comfort zone as well. Plus, I think my actual work is improving as I can multitask better (it seems).

My diet has gone to shit again (sorry), but at the same time I’m trying to be careful in my terrible decision making. Last weekend I went to the grocery store and stocked up for the week on deli turkey and veggie based meals to at least help my budget. However I also found myself hitting the drive-thru between work and home for a sandwich here or there….but no fries! So yay, right? Baby steps? We have plans to buy chicken and rice and turkey to make turkey burgers this week so I will have yummy things to look forward to at home as well. What’s more helpful though is to take it with me. My shift is too long for just the one meal it seems and I can’t stand driving home and having to cook before I can eat again.

Side note…because it isn’t just coming home and microwaving something. It’s taking the dog out, checking on the guineas, checking the mail, cleaning up the house. I get into this other mode when I hit the door and my poor food gets cold or goes un-prepared for at times a whole other HOUR. This is why I hit drive-thrus. Ugg.

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I’ve started walking again in the morning. My acid re-flux medicine is back in my system so the coughing has subsided and I can move without fear of death or puking. I managed to get 10,000 steps Monday and like 9,000 Tuesday. Tuesday night I even walked my living room while reading on my tablet so there’s commitment and double tasking proof my friends! I hate reading on the tablet but since this nonsense happened I have little choice. Wed I worked my first 11-9 shift and basically didn’t walk more than what was required in basic daily movement. Thursday it rained all day so that killed it for me too.

Friday was AMAZING. I had the best day on Friday listen to all this business, but fun!!

We woke up and drove out to Dave’s “hometown” which is about a 30-45 minute drive because he needed blood work (routine). Not the best part of the day, but I made him play a made up game of “car karaoke” and we took turns singing whatever was on the radio. Listening to your boyfriend try to sign “Dangerous Woman” and hit the high notes is a great way to start the day. After the doctor’s we went to the library so I could turn in my tacking sheet and get my milestone gifts from one of the six libraries I am a member of and doing a summer reading challenge with this year.

akron gifts

Next we hit a second library where we go literally every Friday this year so he could return books and pick up books, one I requested as also in so now I will be reading The Book Thief which I hear FANTASTIC things about all the time. The Miss Peregrine series is also on request for me and I’m looking forward to it in the coming weeks. Much to Dave’s delight we finally went to lunch after this…he was on a fast for the blood work so he was desperately hungry. After some delicious southwest food at MOE’S we headed to the movies to see Central Intelligence and we laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed some more. Very good movie. Post movie we went home and he caught a nap and cleaned the guinea pigs’ cage while I read some of my book and took a shower. Then it was off to Cleveland to see The Phantom of the Opera!

pre poto

Despite my usual way of arriving to things, we were considerably early to the event and opted to go to this German restaurant next door to “check it out”. OH MY GOODNESS. This was was insane. They seat you at these lonnnnnnnng wooden table and benches where people actual stand up on the benches to dance or are dancing in the little aisles. The waiters and waitress are all dressed in lederhosen (so much boobs) and there’s a live band. Dave was all smiles from the moment we sat down and I was all about to have a heart attack and climb out the window. I hated it. he had his beer and we shared some appetizers and it was off to the play.

As we were leaving we talked about walking back over. Why not? We never get out of the deck for a good 20-30 minutes anyway and most importantly….we are young, we don’t have kids, we have the money and we honestly almost NEVER go out at night. 90 percent of me did want to go home and I know he would have been fine with that too, but for whatever reason I decided we would go back. Why not? We could always leave at any time. This second time around I felt much more relaxed, the live band didn’t play until about 15 minutes after we arrived and maybe it was because I knew what to expect. We shared some more food and each had a drink…I had about 1/2 a drink to be honest and I LOVED the polka music. They played the two songs I knew and then made a bunch of other songs into a polka style! I even stood up on the bench and danced to “Hang on Sloopy”.

video

At first I didn’t want to and told Dave that much. I was embarrassed. I am considerably overweight and even though I opted to wear a dress that night it was clear I was heavy by the way it sat and clung to me. Then I realized, even though I am overweight, it doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to enjoy life. I’m trying (at times) and more importantly than that is the fact I honestly don’t hate myself for being fat anymore. I still see it that way and I still wish I could lose weight, but I don’t look in the mirror and want to cry. I don’t have a panic needing to leave the house wondering what to wear. Maybe because I’ve lost some weight and went down a size I feel hopeful again? Or not as ashamed because I AM doing something about it? Who knows….maybe it’s not being caught up in my head as much Whatever it is, I looked at my boyfriend and knew he wanted to be a part of everything and I knew even though it scared me it wouldn’t kill me to be a part of it all too. I knew the song, I liked the song and in the end, all the people I feared looking at me and laughing aren’t my boyfriend. They’re nobodies to me. So I stood up and danced with the man who loves me and I love him. One of the few people who’s opinion about me I should care about and who doesn’t care what I look like as long as we’re together. We sang and danced the night away and I was all smiles until we came home and crashed into bed.

I’m never going to be 150 pounds again drinking beer and eating pierogies, but my weight isn’t only poor food choices based. It’s also tied to my anxiety and depression and depending on the day I’m working on one of those factors or something else. Dancing and signing helps with the second of the above concerns and as I’m happier I am more willing to go out and do things that will benefit me. I’m more likely to exercise or skip the sweets. I haven’t reached self-love yet, but getting to a point of acceptance has been a huge help.

RIP Kindle Keyboard

Oh my precious Kindle how you will be missed. You came into my life unexpectedly one fine December day in 2010. Previously I created a list where I mentioned people were now taking textbooks to class, but on an e-reader device. This apparently was awesome since it didn’t weigh a ton like a book or multiple books do at times. A few weeks later I opened a gift from my Mom and there you were. Of course I loved you right away, even if in the “early days” we couldn’t do as much together.

Sadly I must admit there were times I left you in the desk drawer while I focused on school or starting my career, but you were always there for me when I wanted to come back into the soft glow of your black and white embrace. Over time the books I was able to borrow from the library increased, the price of ebooks in general decreased and our time together grew more and more precious.

Together we traveled Oceanside to seaside, bedside to couchside and although it was risky tubside.

Recently we made plans to do a summer reading challenge. Not unlike those we have done in the past, but this time it was with FIVE different library systems. Maybe the excitement was too much for your aging electronic heart. Maybe I was rough with you one too many times without knowing the possible consequences. All I know is on January 6, 2016 I picked you up and thought “Huh the image on this screen saver looks a little weird”. A few seconds later as I slide the on/off button and the screen fully scattered I knew you had drawn your last bought of energy.

kindle broken screen

The Internet tells me this is a broken e-ink situation. They also say it’s caused by being too rough and is a common issue. Honestly, I’m not sure how much to believe as we spent nearly SIX wonderful years together. Heck there was even that time I was quoted in The Wall Street Journal about the fact I refused to trade you in for a newer model!

Yes, my precious Kindle you will be missed. I promise to give a proper grieving time before getting a new one. My eyes are set on the Voyage. Not because I have expensive taste, but because compared to the Paperwhite it has the responsive lighting feature, a tougher case/glass and most importantly the closest thing to physical buttons since your design.

Thanks for the memories and knowledge.

In Search of the Perfect Treadmill?

Every winter I get on the bandwagon of “I can’t wait until it’s warm so I can run/walk/jog outside” then summer rolls around and I am smacked in the face with Mother Nature. As I explained previously my allergies didn’t both me too much the years I was living at my apartment. I assumed it was because living on my own I was suddenly more motivated and obligated to clean in ways I previously took for granted when living at my Mom’s house. Now that I have my house and allergies have attacked me two years in a row I am thinking maybe inside cleaning wasn’t the only factor. Perhaps it also had to do with the lack of trees and flowers and everything else in a rented area (no judgment just facts for the moment) versus the overflowing variety of green thumb worthy sights in our current living situation.

While I ease into trying to live in this new blossoming world of life, I find myself trekking back into the gym to sustain some type of achievement level. Whenever I do this I also daydream about possibly having this equipment at home with me too. Of course even without buying it I find myself staring at the many varieties of machines and often wondering which one is best in general? Which would be best for me? Do they serve different purposes? Or at the end of the day is it just a matter of forced walking on a belt? Luckily there are places like the internet and sites like Reviews.com to help with my questions. Side note I was sent a link to this article, but I am not being compensated, I just thought it was a good article.

Without recreating the full thing, I was impressed they looked at 65 different models and came up with different reasons for their top rankings.

They even provide a table with all the finalists highlighting prominent features available or not for each model.

Growing up we didn’t have a treadmill but we did go through a few different elliptical machines. I even remember how excited I was when I used one of my tax returns in my early 20’s to get my own. Special features for me back then was the ability to change stride length and have it easily collapse for storage and space. My how far things have come, right? Now when I’m at the gym I’m amazed at all the different features. First you could listen to music (nice) then you could watch TV (even better). It seems while I was out running the trails and streets more and more changes piled up and now you can get online, you can follow a coach or a virtual trail. Last fall Dave and I were at the gym and I walked along a coast in another country by following along on the screen. Recorded sounds on site, along with fun facts added to the experience. Before I knew it the miles and minutes were adding up!

What works for me doesn’t work for everyone though and that’s why research and researching my specific feature or result is so vital in the process of a major purchase. Along with all those upgrades in experiences let’s be honest, there was a change in price too! It’s no longer a matter of a few hundred dollars and if it doesn’t work you can recoup some of your cost. Now we’re talking closer to $1,000 if not a few thousand dollars. Believe me those upgrades are worth it, but I know I want to make sure I am buying something that will last and will work with me in all my forms of fitness and goals.

I invite you to take a look at the reviews, let me know if you agree or not and what machines you like to use the most at home or in the gym.